I'm A Dead Man

This is another pointless and lead-to-nowhere post. This is a secret about me that I'm confessing now to come clean. Since roughly around November of 2008 or so. My relationship with my family took a downturn. I started talking back in cheeky and sarcastic ways. It seems like all these years of watching John Lennon's cynical and witty rebellious attitude, I'm starting to rebel and question the authority that has always been right. I now rebel and fight back at whatever that displeases me. In a way, I am becoming a outcast or as my Dad would say "Invisible Boy". I don't blame any of them.I now confess and admit, that I have broken or totally pushed away the biggest commandment. *Obey your parents*. I think all this disagreement started a few months ago.I was happy when I first came to Australia. Matter of fact I was happy until roughly around mid August.

At that point, I was grateful that I looked up and said " Thank you lord" "What could be better than this life I have now". During that time, I was studying in my old school. Macleod College. I was happy and cheerful. Then my parents came up wity an idea of moving to a place that was very far away from my old school which led to me being force to change to a new school which I'm not too happy about. And that was when I first started turning against. I behaved terribly. I am very sorry for doing it and have and am now coming clean.

The reason this title is called I'm A Dead Man is not because I'm embracing death as something cool or hip or whatever the young lads would have it. A few days ago, we were chatting peacefully after dinner at a restaurant. I was holding back on my hate-boy attitude and did not make any bad comments. So one of them were talking about when I was younger.We remembered my old look which included a nicely combed hairstyle.I acknowledged and laughed but I remember my Dad said "You were so different back then". I admit it was true and started thinking. All those things I did in the past. I realized that my person totally changed the second I stepped on the escalator in KLIA with Weng Kit, Daniel and my family fare welling us.

I now feel that at that point. The young simple look. Easy going. Kind. Family and friend loving person just died. Yes...I really feel that way. Looking at my old videos in 2007 . Vbs and all tat. I now feel like I'm watching a person who had died. My memories may last for me but not for everyone of my friends. I died in my world and seemingly fade away slowly in their world. Yes I do have friends that do stay the same. But this few weeks got me thinking if I killed myself by leaving. Did Clement Choo as my friends once remembered died the minute he walked away.No one is to blame but me. I feel like a murderer who killed the young playful person. I killed my friendly attitude,killed my love for friends,family and my love. Perhaps I'm to blame if the people I use to be with changed. Perhaps if the old Clement was there, things may be different.

But things are going to change from now. I'm getting back to the start. If this means mending things up with my parents, fixing up the holes I left, or even changing my atitude and behavior.

I shall do it. I can do it. I will do it.